I have been meaning to set this up for a while now. Between little free time and lack of prioritizing it obviously just hasn’t happened. But here I am now and here are you reading. I could talk about the day to day of my life, what the move has been like or sit and complain about how exhausted I always am. Instead, I am going to write about perspective. I just got through looking through pictures the Special Needs School I volunteered at in Honduras posted on facebook from recent events. It has now been over a year since I got back, and therefore, a year since I last blogged. It has also been a year (mainly four months) of new experiences, new people, and new challenges.
What led me to finally write this post was looking at those pictures so I am going to start with my revelation I just had looking through those. Most of the kids I worked with in Honduras were around the ages or older than my students now. None of them could read, and only a couple knew all of their letters and could write their names. I remember just being happy for them that they had a school to go to at all. But now, I just feel like they are being failed. I know some of them are capable of learning to read and write but they do not have the support they need to get there. I certainly didn’t help them enough during my time there. Being illiterate in today’s society, even in Honduras, is a huge handicap and one that will disable them from a huge number of life opportunities.
I have two boys who cannot read. They can write their names, they know their letters, and they can read some sight words, but they cannot read beyond a kindergarten level. On the lexile measurement system (a reading leveling system) they score 0s. 0s. These are 5th graders! One of them is 12. One of them- just last year mind you- is labeled SPED or Special Education, the other is dyslexic or section 504 as we call it. They have made it to the 5th grade without being able to read. What am I supposed to do? I need to teach them phonics and how to read but they are in pull-out during my reading block. I need to work with them one on one, but I have a whole class to manage. When I look at my class, these kids are by far the lowest. They know it, as does the rest of my class. Despite this, they haven’t given up. They can’t understand most of what is written on the board at any given time, or most of what is in a book or story in front of them. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. 7-8 hours a day, 5 days a week, reading signs in a foreign language and being expected to not only comprehend but critically think about and respond. They still try, they still engage. They ask for help and they accept it.
My students are all coming from different places, different homes, different backgrounds. I have two students who are new to the school- one of whom is new to Texas. Several of my students are one of 5+ kids. One of my students lives with a single dad and her siblings. Some of the others live with their entire extended families in one home. Some of my student’s families demand the best from them. Others I haven’t heard from. Each of my students brings their own perspective to my class and I bring a completely different one.
One of the biggest frustrations of the recent weeks has been the emphasis on testing. My principal is new and we failed to meet AYP (Adequate yearly progress) again last year. That means my school is under intense scrutiny to perform well in attendance and on the STAAR (end of year standardized test). Consequently, nearly EVERYTHING we do is geared toward one of those two things. The kids get incentives for coming to school. Every morning they announce on the loudspeaker which classes had 100% attendance. The teachers even now have incentives for having 100% attendance. We must remain over 97% or we lose money- this could cause me to lose my job since I have a low number of students. From an administrator’s perspective, nearly every decision made is made with money and AYP in mind. Does that mean that choices aren’t being made for the best interest for the students? No. Many of the decisions made (eg tutoring afterschool, better monitoring) will have very positive effects on the students. I cannot say that I share the same perspective about school funding and AYP though. It is a daily challenge to remind myself that it is necessary to take the perspective of our administrators and remember why they are doing what they do.
There are also the veteran teachers of my school. Both of the teachers on my 5th grade team have been teaching for more years than I have been alive. They are dedicated teachers and know what they are doing. Do they care what I have to say though? Not particularly. Is it frustrating? Extremely.
Finally, we have mixed messages coming from everyone- TFA prioritizes one thing, the district another, our school a third, my team a fourth, my education a fifth, my certification partner a sixth, myself often a seventh. It’s stressful. Ultimately, everyone wants students to learn, but how that is supposed to happen is a point of often severe disagreement. Whose perspective do I take?
Ultimately, the first month of school has been good. My management is fine, my kids are great for the most part, we learn every day, and I don’t dread going to school most days. I am utterly exhausted all of the time and my actually teaching skills have a long way to go. It has been an interesting road, a challenging one and one that has already grown me a lot. That was the plan to begin with so I can’t really complain. Now how to gain better balance while giving more of myself to my kids and figuring out how to differentiate and model more effectively…
Side note: I do miss you all dearly and think about you often. I have used several of you or our experiences as examples in writing activities, geography and in small anecdotes. I may spend all of my time with my 14 10,11, and 12 year olds but a big part of my heart is still in CA with y’all. Love you!
