Rollercoaster

The past week and half has been a complete whirlwind. I found out before school on Wednesday the 3^rd that it would be my last day with my 5^th graders and that my new position with the 2^nd graders would begin the following Monday. I had come to terms with the fact that I might get moved but I thought I would have more time to process and prepare for the switch. A combination of several factors that I will explain below led to Monday being possibly the hardest/worst day of my life (at least the school part), and this whole past week being one of most difficult and exhausting.

I had spent the past 3 or so months completely devoted in time, thought and energy to my 5^th graders. Nearly every waking moment since I learned about my position and split from my summer school kids had been spent working for or thinking about those 5^th graders. I had set a vision for us as a class, seen that vision take effect, and set very specific individual growth goals for each of the kids. Additionally, those kids were the individuals I spent 5 days a week 7 hours a day with for 6 weeks straight. Thus, much of the frustration and emotion experienced this past week stemmed from my immediate forced separation from them and everything we had already worked for.

I had been on alert that I may get moved for a long time. My numbers were small and 5^th grade is the first year with no cap on enrollment. I knew it in my mind but hadn’t accepted that it would happen until it did. On Monday, the TFA teacher who taught 2^nd grade at my school resigned. She essentially had a set of severe panic attacks. The same day the school lost 2 5^th graders. On Tuesday, my Principal sat me down to ask, if the district brought it up, would I rather take the 2^nd grade class or go to the SAISD hole where I could be put at any school and any grade within my certification area (pre-k through 6^th grade). Another TFA teacher was switched from 5^th grade science to Kindergarten and schools a few weeks before. Due to the fact that I know the staff at my school, know the support I have, and would get to still see my kids, I stated that I would prefer to stay at Douglass and take over the 2^nd grade class. Plus- no more STAAR test in the 2^nd grade.  I did this knowing that this class was difficult and that another teacher who had the same training I did struggled hugely with them and ultimately couldn’t handle it.

I prepared over the next few days- met my new 2^nd graders while they had a sub, observed the other 2^nd grade teachers, finished up grades and saw off my 5^th graders and tore down and cleaned up my own room. It was a very rough few days.

I entered Monday prepared with a fresh management plan, and ready to be strict and to lay down the law with those kids. It simply did not work. I pick them up from PE (my conference is first) at 8:55. In an attempt to lay down the law and assert that I expected good behavior from all of them, I waited for them to stand in a quiet line outside of the gym. We waited for at least 30 minutes. A few kids refused to stand in the line and proceeded instead to run, defy authority, and kick each other. I was only relieved when one of the first grade teachers stopped to ask if I was ok- I was most definitely not. Over the course of that day I had several breakdowns (not in front of the kids fortunately), had to give my class over to my principal or other teachers and felt utterly frustrated and hopeless. I felt I had lost their respect before I even had a chance to earn it. I went from- only a few days prior- to productively teaching and enjoying my time (mostly) with my fifth graders to feeling like I wanted to give up and go home.

Luckily, Spence had the day off and completely selflessly drove all of the way from Houston for the night to take care of me for the night. Yes, I am so so undeservingly blessed.

By the grace of God and being spoiled the night before, I somehow made it to school on Tuesday. My principal told me in the morning that what he wanted me to work on was removing students from the class after their first behavior infraction. So I did. Within the first hour of instruction 3 of my students were taken out of my class and it made all of the difference. I didn’t do much teaching, but the kids were in their seats, listening, and learning about the rules and expectations I have for them. I didn’t cry all day (HUGE accomplishment after the previous 6) and the only time I really lost them was at the dismissal- I was more than happy to hand them over at that point. Two of my fifth graders and their friend came to help me out at the end of the day too which was really nice.

The next few days proceeded similarly. No, we cannot stand in a straight line, or sit on the carpet quietly, but no one is running, no one is getting hurt, and some learning actually went on. I didn’t have to kick any one out Thursday or Friday, although keeping those 3 kids in class (among the other 4 or 5 trouble makers) makes things more difficult.

I am still dealing with separation from my 5^th graders, every day is completely exhausting and I really am not looking forward to this upcoming week. The kids deserve me to try though. There are some really fantastic kids in that class and they deserve me to try and give my best. They also deserve their classmates to be respectful of their time- something we are working on. There are days that are going to completely suck and for now I will take the ones that are just okay. Please keep me and my kids in your prayers. I know I am here for a reason and want to be the best I can be while still maintaining good mental health for myself.  Love you all.

Changes

Found out this morning that today would be my last day with my 5th graders. I have two days of transition and observation and starting Monday I will have a full class of 2nd graders. There are pros and cons to this change but it is tough to have to start over. Prayers appreciated!

Perspective

          I have been meaning to set this up for a while now. Between little free time and lack of prioritizing it obviously just hasn’t happened. But here I am now and here are you reading. I could talk about the day to day of my life, what the move has been like or sit and complain about how exhausted I always am. Instead, I am going to write about perspective. I just got through looking through pictures the Special Needs School I volunteered at in Honduras posted on facebook from recent events. It has now been over a year since I got back, and therefore, a year since I last blogged. It has also been a year (mainly four months) of new experiences, new people, and new challenges.

          What led me to finally write this post was looking at those pictures so I am going to start with my revelation I just had looking through those. Most of the kids I worked with in Honduras were around the ages or older than my students now. None of them could read, and only a couple knew all of their letters and could write their names. I remember just being happy for them that they had a school to go to at all. But now, I just feel like they are being failed. I know some of them are capable of learning to read and write but they do not have the support they need to get there. I certainly didn’t help them enough during my time there. Being illiterate in today’s society, even in Honduras, is a huge handicap and one that will disable them from a huge number of life opportunities.

            I have two boys who cannot read. They can write their names, they know their letters, and they can read some sight words, but they cannot read beyond a kindergarten level. On the lexile measurement system (a reading leveling system) they score 0s. 0s. These are 5th graders! One of them is 12. One of them- just last year mind you- is labeled SPED or Special Education, the other is dyslexic or section 504 as we call it. They have made it to the 5th grade without being able to read. What am I supposed to do? I need to teach them phonics and how to read but they are in pull-out during my reading block. I need to work with them one on one, but I have a whole class to manage. When I look at my class, these kids are by far the lowest. They know it, as does the rest of my class. Despite this, they haven’t given up. They can’t understand most of what is written on the board at any given time, or most of what is in a book or story in front of them. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. 7-8 hours a day, 5 days a week, reading signs in a foreign language and being expected to not only comprehend but critically think about and respond. They still try, they still engage. They ask for help and they accept it.
         
           My students are all coming from different places, different homes, different backgrounds. I have two students who are new to the school- one of whom is new to Texas. Several of my students are one of 5+ kids. One of my students lives with a single dad and her siblings. Some of the others live with their entire extended families in one home. Some of my student’s families demand the best from them. Others I haven’t heard from. Each of my students brings their own perspective to my class and I bring a completely different one.

           One of the biggest frustrations of the recent weeks has been the emphasis on testing. My principal is new and we failed to meet AYP (Adequate yearly progress) again last year. That means my school is under intense scrutiny to perform well in attendance and on the STAAR (end of year standardized test). Consequently, nearly EVERYTHING we do is geared toward one of those two things. The kids get incentives for coming to school. Every morning they announce on the loudspeaker which classes had 100% attendance. The teachers even now have incentives for having 100% attendance. We must remain over 97% or we lose money- this could cause me to lose my job since I have a low number of students. From an administrator’s perspective, nearly every decision made is made with money and AYP in mind. Does that mean that choices aren’t being made for the best interest for the students? No. Many of the decisions made (eg tutoring afterschool, better monitoring) will have very positive effects on the students. I cannot say that I share the same perspective about school funding and AYP though. It is a daily challenge to remind myself that it is necessary to take the perspective of our administrators and remember why they are doing what they do.

           There are also the veteran teachers of my school. Both of the teachers on my 5th grade team have been teaching for more years than I have been alive. They are dedicated teachers and know what they are doing. Do they care what I have to say though? Not particularly. Is it frustrating? Extremely.

          Finally, we have mixed messages coming from everyone- TFA prioritizes one thing, the district another, our school a third, my team a fourth, my education a fifth, my certification partner a sixth, myself often a seventh. It’s stressful. Ultimately, everyone wants students to learn, but how that is supposed to happen is a point of often severe disagreement. Whose perspective do I take?

         Ultimately, the first month of school has been good. My management is fine, my kids are great for the most part, we learn every day, and I don’t dread going to school most days. I am utterly exhausted all of the time and my actually teaching skills have a long way to go. It has been an interesting road, a challenging one and one that has already grown me a lot. That was the plan to begin with so I can’t really complain. Now how to gain better balance while giving more of myself to my kids and figuring out how to differentiate and model more effectively…


Side note: I do miss you all dearly and think about you often. I have used several of you or our experiences as examples in writing activities, geography and in small anecdotes. I may spend all of my time with my 14 10,11, and 12 year olds but a big part of my heart is still in CA with y’all. Love you!