The past week and half has been a complete whirlwind. I found out before school on Wednesday the 3rd that it would be my last day with my 5th graders and that my new position with the 2nd graders would begin the following Monday. I had come to terms with the fact that I might get moved but I thought I would have more time to process and prepare for the switch. A combination of several factors that I will explain below led to Monday being possibly the hardest/worst day of my life (at least the school part), and this whole past week being one of most difficult and exhausting.
I had spent the past 3 or so months completely devoted in time, thought and energy to my 5th graders. Nearly every waking moment since I learned about my position and split from my summer school kids had been spent working for or thinking about those 5th graders. I had set a vision for us as a class, seen that vision take effect, and set very specific individual growth goals for each of the kids. Additionally, those kids were the individuals I spent 5 days a week 7 hours a day with for 6 weeks straight. Thus, much of the frustration and emotion experienced this past week stemmed from my immediate forced separation from them and everything we had already worked for.
I had been on alert that I may get moved for a long time. My numbers were small and 5th grade is the first year with no cap on enrollment. I knew it in my mind but hadn’t accepted that it would happen until it did. On Monday, the TFA teacher who taught 2nd grade at my school resigned. She essentially had a set of severe panic attacks. The same day the school lost 2 5th graders. On Tuesday, my Principal sat me down to ask, if the district brought it up, would I rather take the 2nd grade class or go to the SAISD hole where I could be put at any school and any grade within my certification area (pre-k through 6th grade). Another TFA teacher was switched from 5th grade science to Kindergarten and schools a few weeks before. Due to the fact that I know the staff at my school, know the support I have, and would get to still see my kids, I stated that I would prefer to stay at Douglass and take over the 2nd grade class. Plus- no more STAAR test in the 2nd grade. I did this knowing that this class was difficult and that another teacher who had the same training I did struggled hugely with them and ultimately couldn’t handle it.
I prepared over the next few days- met my new 2nd graders while they had a sub, observed the other 2nd grade teachers, finished up grades and saw off my 5th graders and tore down and cleaned up my own room. It was a very rough few days.
I entered Monday prepared with a fresh management plan, and ready to be strict and to lay down the law with those kids. It simply did not work. I pick them up from PE (my conference is first) at 8:55. In an attempt to lay down the law and assert that I expected good behavior from all of them, I waited for them to stand in a quiet line outside of the gym. We waited for at least 30 minutes. A few kids refused to stand in the line and proceeded instead to run, defy authority, and kick each other. I was only relieved when one of the first grade teachers stopped to ask if I was ok- I was most definitely not. Over the course of that day I had several breakdowns (not in front of the kids fortunately), had to give my class over to my principal or other teachers and felt utterly frustrated and hopeless. I felt I had lost their respect before I even had a chance to earn it. I went from- only a few days prior- to productively teaching and enjoying my time (mostly) with my fifth graders to feeling like I wanted to give up and go home.
Luckily, Spence had the day off and completely selflessly drove all of the way from Houston for the night to take care of me for the night. Yes, I am so so undeservingly blessed.
By the grace of God and being spoiled the night before, I somehow made it to school on Tuesday. My principal told me in the morning that what he wanted me to work on was removing students from the class after their first behavior infraction. So I did. Within the first hour of instruction 3 of my students were taken out of my class and it made all of the difference. I didn’t do much teaching, but the kids were in their seats, listening, and learning about the rules and expectations I have for them. I didn’t cry all day (HUGE accomplishment after the previous 6) and the only time I really lost them was at the dismissal- I was more than happy to hand them over at that point. Two of my fifth graders and their friend came to help me out at the end of the day too which was really nice.
The next few days proceeded similarly. No, we cannot stand in a straight line, or sit on the carpet quietly, but no one is running, no one is getting hurt, and some learning actually went on. I didn’t have to kick any one out Thursday or Friday, although keeping those 3 kids in class (among the other 4 or 5 trouble makers) makes things more difficult.
I am still dealing with separation from my 5th graders, every day is completely exhausting and I really am not looking forward to this upcoming week. The kids deserve me to try though. There are some really fantastic kids in that class and they deserve me to try and give my best. They also deserve their classmates to be respectful of their time- something we are working on. There are days that are going to completely suck and for now I will take the ones that are just okay. Please keep me and my kids in your prayers. I know I am here for a reason and want to be the best I can be while still maintaining good mental health for myself. Love you all.
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